Why a Big Purse Can Cramp Your Style...

Mishap #4

Okay, men. This may not be very interesting to you because I'm going to write about purses. That's right. Those mysterious items that women carry around that men are afraid to touch, to carry, to reach into... YIKES!! WHAT WAS THAT?!! THERE'S SOMETHING SLIMY IN THERE!!

Then again, reading about a woman's purse habits could be fascinating to you, the way Jane Goodall might feel watching the gathering habits of the Silverback Gorilla... Or, you could be one of those European types that carries a "man purse." (To each his own, I say.)

Anyway, for those of us single moms, harried moms, or just plain disorganized women (or men) the world over, here's my advice to keep at least one part of your life a tad more sane: DO NOT CARRY A LARGE PURSE.

"WHAT?" you say. "If you are busy and have lots of things to do, wouldn't it be the reverse? Shouldn't it be the BIGGER, the BETTER?!!" (Some of the men are getting interested again). When it comes to purses, bigger is NOT better for the perpetually scatterbrained.

Why Your Big Purse is a Big Disaster

Unless you are Mary Poppins ("practically perfect in every way") and can extract bedroom furniture from your carpet bag with ease, your BIG PURSE has probably become a BIG BLACK HOLE for all things unholy and forgotten.

(If you ARE like Mary Poppins, you shouldn't be reading this, you should be doing something helpful like teaching children how to talk to penguins.)

First Step: Take an Iventory of Your Portable Black Hole


WHAT is in your big purse?? Look inside it now, and be honest.

My mother is a die-hard large purse carrier, and I would bet money that in her purse right now there are: candy wrappers, mints, used tissues, a ridiculous number of lipstick tubes, multiple coupons and offers, half of her makeup collection, some cheese crackers, an entire manicure kit, a brush, a mini pad, maybe five writing pens, some eye glasses, slips of paper with random phone numbers, and four hair implements (a couple of scrunchies and a large clip).

But the apple does not far far from the tree, as the saying goes. Before I reformed myself and bought a cute and efficient small bag, things could get quite dangerous in my large purse. There were: barretts, forgotten lipstick tubes, pens and pencils, cub scout badges, loose change, nail polish, CDs, feminine products, children's toys, two checkbooks, bills, sewing needles (OUCH), and some camping items (a compass, a thermometer).

Gerta Has Better Things to do Than to Repair Your Purse

It was a lined leather purse, and the satin lining had ripped (along with one of the inside pockets), due to the presence of sharp objects (pens, needles, the cuticle tool). Things would slip between the lining and the leather, and make it more difficult for me to retrieve them. I once took it to Gerta, our town seamstress, and she sewed half of the purse and missed the lining on the other side. To be fair, she was doing me a favor at the last minute and really just wanted to hop on her motorcycle and begin her half day of freedom.

The point being: With a smallish purse, I now KNOW what is in there!! There is a finite amount of space in a small purse, and you have to clean it out frequently. There is no hiding items in a small purse. They can be flushed out and dealt with. You must pick and choose what you put in your small purse. No throwing in your lunch at the last minute, no toting around a magazine that you may or may not read.

Valuable Lesson Learned: When it comes to purses, bigger is NOT better for the perpetually scatterbrained. In a smallish purse, your electric bill and slips of notes keep popping up like bad pennies. You will be forced to deal with your issues. Reform yourself, and go get a smaller purse. You will feel together and sophisticated, and you won't have your electricity cut off.

Purse pictured above by Rosie Ro. Too big for me, but cute.

Super Mario Fiasco

Mishap #1

A few weeks ago, my boys, inspired by the plot of the Nintendo game Super Mario Sunshine, decided to recreate part of the action in their own neighborhood. Sounds harmless enough, yes? Just a simple game of pretend perhaps.

In Super Mario Sunshine, Mario has been falsely accused of spreading "sludge" or "goo" all over the tropical paradise town of Isle Delphino. I didn't know this, because I don't play this game. I know this now.

"Sidewalk Paint" vs. Paint on the Sidewalk...

Son X (age 9) came to me early in the morning on the fateful day, asking to use all of the rest of a bottle of cleaner because he wanted to fill it with some sort of concoction (glue? dye? I hadn't had an entire cup of coffee yet...) to spread around "outside." This was met with a decidedly negative response. He mentioned paint -- I mentioned the word NO several times. I talked about the severity of defacing property, and how hard it can be to clean concrete.

I then remembered that we had a bottle of something called "sidewalk paint." It was water soluble. Perfect! Problem solved. "Use the sidewalk paint," I said. "No, you CAN'T put it on the SIDE of the house," I said. "It's SIDEWALK paint; it goes on sidewalk."

We had an understanding. So I thought. I went back to my task of the hour -- whatever it was -- I don't remember now. Maybe folding clothes, maybe writing an email.

Dabbling in the Dark Side...

They used the pink sidewalk paint, son X and little brother-sidekick son Y. Then they decided to try something else: the small can of exterior trim in the garage. Like Dark Mario, the real perpetrator in Super Mario Sunshine, the young punks decided to spread their "paint-like goo" all over the sidewalk, our driveway, neighbors' driveways, even on some of the neighborhood park equipment -- which desperately needed to be replaced, but was still graffiti-free up until now. It was off-white paint, thankfully, but it didn't match the concrete white. At some point in my homebody reverie, son Y fessed up to the crime down the street...all down the street. "Son X told me to do it!!" he tried as an excuse.

Graffiti Artists Learn Crime Doesn't Pay...

I dragged the perpetrators to Home Depot. Unfortunately, at Home Depot, there were no "Floods" (the mechanical hero of the Mario game which tidily cleans up the "paint-like goo") on sale. I consulted with the paint department staff, who suggested a large bottle of "Crud Kutter" and a large wire brush.

I ran into a middle-aged couple I knew, who laughed at my predicament. Their kids were grown.

Back home, we mixed the Crud Kutter with water. We sprayed it in the most critical areas: neighbors' driveways. We scrubbed, we rinsed (with a giant tub of water I transported down the street in the back of my van). We scrubbed and scrubbed and rinsed and scrubbed. We got some of the mildew off of the sidewalks and some of the paint. A neighbor girl (who had nothing better to do) helped us. Most of the neighbors were gone, doing last-minute Christmas shopping and Christmas events on a Sunday afternoon. Most of the evidence is still there. It was likely oil-based.

We told some neighbors. We could have told more... I wondered if the Home Owners' Association would fine me for this. I took the boys' games away for a week. I talked about vandalism and scared them with threats of the law and police. I told them I could get in big trouble for their misdeeds. Guilt is always a good tactic in cases like this.

Valuable Lesson Learned: Put the paint OUT OF REACH and emphasize the severity of vandalism.